love/hate

It's amazing to me how there truly is such a thin line b/w love & hate in some relationships and marriages. Sometimes as I'm laying in bed next to my husband, I am so thankful that he is there beside me (w/some of our "outs" there have been many nights where he was not) and I simply want to watch him sleep or gently put my hand on him in a loving way. When we've spent a lot of time together or I've caught his eyes from across the room, I may really feel like calling him a nice name, like hon'. Some days I may think about him quite often and make sure I've put some extra effort into something just for him. Then there is the other side. The side that after having an argument or some huge crossroad in the relationship that I don't want to even look at him...or the thought of him makes me sick. The side that after having sex with him for the first time in weeks I ride him and at the same time think to myself that I wouldn't mind pushing him down to the depths of eternal hell, lol! If I could draw out or put in motion some of our silent fights, I could see him on top of me, each of us struggling to gain the upper hand and him showing me no mercy. So after having sex with him, w/no need for anything but an orgasm...no affection or kiss, I feel powerful...like I'm back on top again (literally) and if we went to war again...I would crush him! It's almost a silent rage, that I almost frighten myself w/...the whole time he's laying there...he has no clue that I'm having these stupid thoughts. Of course there have been times that I know he has been fearful...like when I was pregnant w/the twins and we lived separately. I didn't see him much during that time...b/w the hormones & our up/down relationship and the fear of the unknown, I didn't know what I or he was capable of...so I distanced. There are times when he has told me what to do like a child, or been extremely irritating and anal to the point that I have had to leave the room and pray that I could distract myself long enough from the incident to forget about it....talk about self-control! Of course there have been many moments of "I Love You's" from my loving feelings...and many cuts and slashes with words and actions from the hate ones. And after many of both, I have taken myself off of the roller coaster. If you want to talk about emotionally exhausting and draining...you can talk about love/hate relationships. I've not left the marriage, nor will I say that the moments aren't still there...but how I decide to participate in those moments I now know is my choice. I have the power, the control & I refuse to let it go. I no longer have to give into my natural human instinct of fight or flight...I stay, stand my ground & am who I choose to be, regardless of circumstance...whether it's raining outside or sunny, I will put a smile on my face and dance.
My husband at one point told me during an argument, I don't know why you get under my skin, but you do!!! And the truth was, he was just as much under mine. Didn't I leave that back in high school, where I later would detach from the other person before I would make myself look foolish or feel like I was going crazy? But the fact is, I want someone that could get under my skin...but doesn't. I think that is where my personal growth comes in. As a teenager and not knowing who I was or where I wanted to go...this type of relationship and love would've destroyed me...and honestly this relationship/marriage has came close. But I am learning more how to manage my emotions, yet still feel...that is what this marriage has taught & is still teaching me. If I detach completely, then I feel no joy, pleasure or yes, even pain. I am not able to take the lessons or grow from the experience. But if I get totally wrapped up & overwhelmed in the relationship, then I could possibly self-destruct or stunt the potential of I am or my life in some way...neither desirable. So I'm trying to find that balance...day by day, experience by experience.

learning the hard way

When you find someone that you truly "fall" for, it can magnify all your flaws and insecurities in a huge way...almost like going through a metal detector with a huge gun in your bag. The fact of the matter is that I did "fall" for my husband...not at first. At first I thought he was quite odd (and still at times do). It took many visits before I started to look a little deeper at him. I will be quite honest and say that had he not had the nice brand new 3BR, two story home, a nice job in pharmaceutical sales, never been married or any children...our dates probably would've been limited. Even with all that, I remember a time that I almost forced myself to drive an hour away to go see him. Yet...he grew on me...and honestly I have no clue why. Now after knowing him for four years and experiencing a quite difficult relationship, I have figured out why. We had many similarities in our backgrounds, yet were complete opposites on many levels. He is an extrovert, high energy, always loves to stay on the go, is obsessive/compulsive, very detail oriented, convicted in his beliefs etc. I am pretty much an introvert, laid back, love to hang out at home, open minded and in essence just total opposite personality. So now looking back on things, I have come to realize the reason I was attracted to him was b/c I guess I expected him to give me some of the personality he had that I felt I was missing & vice versa. And from what I understand, some relationships and marriages that last through the rough storms work out that way....as a matter of fact, a lady that had been married most of her lifetime told me of this very thing...how her husband used to be the talker etc., she the shy etc. and now she said it's pretty much the other way around. The problem with seeking ourselves in this way, is that we instinctively feel the only way that we can gain what we don't have is by changing the other person. In other words, if we are insecure about who we are, then we must say...my way of being is right & yours is wrong...and if you want to be w/me, you've got to be like me. There you go...right into splitsville or divorce. So over the course of our relationship, my husband and I have experienced quite a many moments of hell, in an effort to change the other. The good news is that neither one of us has. I believe if we had "conformed" to the others wishes, we wouldn't be happy...nor would the other be happy. I have came to the conclusion, that our mate is there not for us to change, but to teach us. So now there is some peace in the marriage...after alot of war. And I'm not going to say total peace, but at least I know that I have at least taken a look at the nice white flag.

June 16, 2005

That is the day that I went w/son and my now husband downtown to the local courthouse & said our "I do's".

First of all, let me say that I've never been a huge believer in marriage. Why? Well I guess the answer is pretty simple. My mother was never married...to this date I don't know my father and all the other marriages that I had seen throughout my lifetime had never been "desirable" enough to want to replicate. But after having one child and a failed relationship, I thought I had came up with the answer....next time around (especially before children) I would marry. Had I had any clue of what marriage truly was, the committment it would take and the hell that you would sometimes go through, I don't know that I would've came up with that solution so easily. All people are different, therefore all experiences & marriages are. Some seem to have very simple and loving marriages...however I would have to say they are the minority in the world of "coupledom".

Obviously if you've lived on this planet in the last 100 years, you know that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce...the other 1/2 are probably halved up again....25% are struggling & unhappy & then the other 25% are possibly growing & happy. But of these 25% that are growing & happy, I'm sure they have still seen their struggles. Happily ever after does not exist in this lifetime. The only difference between the 25 (and I'm being giving w/that number) and the other 75% is knowing how to deal w/their problems and frustrations in a positive way that possibly made them grow closer, rather than the often negative way that many of us deal that continues to drive the wedge. As far as the idea of actual "marriage", I am beginning to believe it's a little outdated. Marriage has been an institution that has served us well b/c of the need to help to provide for our physical survival, but with women finally working themselves up financially, this need is becoming less & less. There of course is the having children factor, which definitely makes marriage still desirable, however I'm not sure this would "save" the institution either with more & more alternatives being presented. With three children, marriage has served me much in the physical sense....but being that I've had to stick with it (mostly b/c of the three children fact) then I believe it has probably served me in growing spiritually as well. That is the new marriage idea or relationship...being partners with someone that will help you to grow spiritually...that will be an equal enough partner that they will help you to see your flaws and imperfections enough to where you will ultimately want to grow, change and be a better person. But the key is that both people must want this & be committed...therefore not all or many relationships will succeed & there will still be a high divorce/split up rate.

Relationships are based on need....if we no longer need each other in the physical sense, then we have to want a relationship for the spiritual aspect and for personal growth...otherwise marriage & "relationships" will die out.

So I'm going to let you enter my marriage and struggle. The fact of the matter is, every day is a new day. Every day there is the possibility of life or death in my relationship. In having to be a responsible adult, I must take responsibility in the ways in which I affect the outcome...although I do happen to be married to a very difficult person, whom in which I second guess his committment to changing some of his negative behavior. However, I know that ultimately my marriage is not about him, it's about me & the fact is, in order to change/grow/heal myself, I must focus on what I do, not what he does (can you imagine that?!). This isn't something that obviously does not come as second nature. But I know now after almost two years of marriage that much if not all of my happiness or sadness is on the shoulders of myself, no one else.