love/hate

It's amazing to me how there truly is such a thin line b/w love & hate in some relationships and marriages. Sometimes as I'm laying in bed next to my husband, I am so thankful that he is there beside me (w/some of our "outs" there have been many nights where he was not) and I simply want to watch him sleep or gently put my hand on him in a loving way. When we've spent a lot of time together or I've caught his eyes from across the room, I may really feel like calling him a nice name, like hon'. Some days I may think about him quite often and make sure I've put some extra effort into something just for him. Then there is the other side. The side that after having an argument or some huge crossroad in the relationship that I don't want to even look at him...or the thought of him makes me sick. The side that after having sex with him for the first time in weeks I ride him and at the same time think to myself that I wouldn't mind pushing him down to the depths of eternal hell, lol! If I could draw out or put in motion some of our silent fights, I could see him on top of me, each of us struggling to gain the upper hand and him showing me no mercy. So after having sex with him, w/no need for anything but an orgasm...no affection or kiss, I feel powerful...like I'm back on top again (literally) and if we went to war again...I would crush him! It's almost a silent rage, that I almost frighten myself w/...the whole time he's laying there...he has no clue that I'm having these stupid thoughts. Of course there have been times that I know he has been fearful...like when I was pregnant w/the twins and we lived separately. I didn't see him much during that time...b/w the hormones & our up/down relationship and the fear of the unknown, I didn't know what I or he was capable of...so I distanced. There are times when he has told me what to do like a child, or been extremely irritating and anal to the point that I have had to leave the room and pray that I could distract myself long enough from the incident to forget about it....talk about self-control! Of course there have been many moments of "I Love You's" from my loving feelings...and many cuts and slashes with words and actions from the hate ones. And after many of both, I have taken myself off of the roller coaster. If you want to talk about emotionally exhausting and draining...you can talk about love/hate relationships. I've not left the marriage, nor will I say that the moments aren't still there...but how I decide to participate in those moments I now know is my choice. I have the power, the control & I refuse to let it go. I no longer have to give into my natural human instinct of fight or flight...I stay, stand my ground & am who I choose to be, regardless of circumstance...whether it's raining outside or sunny, I will put a smile on my face and dance.
My husband at one point told me during an argument, I don't know why you get under my skin, but you do!!! And the truth was, he was just as much under mine. Didn't I leave that back in high school, where I later would detach from the other person before I would make myself look foolish or feel like I was going crazy? But the fact is, I want someone that could get under my skin...but doesn't. I think that is where my personal growth comes in. As a teenager and not knowing who I was or where I wanted to go...this type of relationship and love would've destroyed me...and honestly this relationship/marriage has came close. But I am learning more how to manage my emotions, yet still feel...that is what this marriage has taught & is still teaching me. If I detach completely, then I feel no joy, pleasure or yes, even pain. I am not able to take the lessons or grow from the experience. But if I get totally wrapped up & overwhelmed in the relationship, then I could possibly self-destruct or stunt the potential of I am or my life in some way...neither desirable. So I'm trying to find that balance...day by day, experience by experience.