June 16, 2005

That is the day that I went w/son and my now husband downtown to the local courthouse & said our "I do's".

First of all, let me say that I've never been a huge believer in marriage. Why? Well I guess the answer is pretty simple. My mother was never married...to this date I don't know my father and all the other marriages that I had seen throughout my lifetime had never been "desirable" enough to want to replicate. But after having one child and a failed relationship, I thought I had came up with the answer....next time around (especially before children) I would marry. Had I had any clue of what marriage truly was, the committment it would take and the hell that you would sometimes go through, I don't know that I would've came up with that solution so easily. All people are different, therefore all experiences & marriages are. Some seem to have very simple and loving marriages...however I would have to say they are the minority in the world of "coupledom".

Obviously if you've lived on this planet in the last 100 years, you know that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce...the other 1/2 are probably halved up again....25% are struggling & unhappy & then the other 25% are possibly growing & happy. But of these 25% that are growing & happy, I'm sure they have still seen their struggles. Happily ever after does not exist in this lifetime. The only difference between the 25 (and I'm being giving w/that number) and the other 75% is knowing how to deal w/their problems and frustrations in a positive way that possibly made them grow closer, rather than the often negative way that many of us deal that continues to drive the wedge. As far as the idea of actual "marriage", I am beginning to believe it's a little outdated. Marriage has been an institution that has served us well b/c of the need to help to provide for our physical survival, but with women finally working themselves up financially, this need is becoming less & less. There of course is the having children factor, which definitely makes marriage still desirable, however I'm not sure this would "save" the institution either with more & more alternatives being presented. With three children, marriage has served me much in the physical sense....but being that I've had to stick with it (mostly b/c of the three children fact) then I believe it has probably served me in growing spiritually as well. That is the new marriage idea or relationship...being partners with someone that will help you to grow spiritually...that will be an equal enough partner that they will help you to see your flaws and imperfections enough to where you will ultimately want to grow, change and be a better person. But the key is that both people must want this & be committed...therefore not all or many relationships will succeed & there will still be a high divorce/split up rate.

Relationships are based on need....if we no longer need each other in the physical sense, then we have to want a relationship for the spiritual aspect and for personal growth...otherwise marriage & "relationships" will die out.

So I'm going to let you enter my marriage and struggle. The fact of the matter is, every day is a new day. Every day there is the possibility of life or death in my relationship. In having to be a responsible adult, I must take responsibility in the ways in which I affect the outcome...although I do happen to be married to a very difficult person, whom in which I second guess his committment to changing some of his negative behavior. However, I know that ultimately my marriage is not about him, it's about me & the fact is, in order to change/grow/heal myself, I must focus on what I do, not what he does (can you imagine that?!). This isn't something that obviously does not come as second nature. But I know now after almost two years of marriage that much if not all of my happiness or sadness is on the shoulders of myself, no one else.