learning the hard way

When you find someone that you truly "fall" for, it can magnify all your flaws and insecurities in a huge way...almost like going through a metal detector with a huge gun in your bag. The fact of the matter is that I did "fall" for my husband...not at first. At first I thought he was quite odd (and still at times do). It took many visits before I started to look a little deeper at him. I will be quite honest and say that had he not had the nice brand new 3BR, two story home, a nice job in pharmaceutical sales, never been married or any children...our dates probably would've been limited. Even with all that, I remember a time that I almost forced myself to drive an hour away to go see him. Yet...he grew on me...and honestly I have no clue why. Now after knowing him for four years and experiencing a quite difficult relationship, I have figured out why. We had many similarities in our backgrounds, yet were complete opposites on many levels. He is an extrovert, high energy, always loves to stay on the go, is obsessive/compulsive, very detail oriented, convicted in his beliefs etc. I am pretty much an introvert, laid back, love to hang out at home, open minded and in essence just total opposite personality. So now looking back on things, I have come to realize the reason I was attracted to him was b/c I guess I expected him to give me some of the personality he had that I felt I was missing & vice versa. And from what I understand, some relationships and marriages that last through the rough storms work out that way....as a matter of fact, a lady that had been married most of her lifetime told me of this very thing...how her husband used to be the talker etc., she the shy etc. and now she said it's pretty much the other way around. The problem with seeking ourselves in this way, is that we instinctively feel the only way that we can gain what we don't have is by changing the other person. In other words, if we are insecure about who we are, then we must say...my way of being is right & yours is wrong...and if you want to be w/me, you've got to be like me. There you go...right into splitsville or divorce. So over the course of our relationship, my husband and I have experienced quite a many moments of hell, in an effort to change the other. The good news is that neither one of us has. I believe if we had "conformed" to the others wishes, we wouldn't be happy...nor would the other be happy. I have came to the conclusion, that our mate is there not for us to change, but to teach us. So now there is some peace in the marriage...after alot of war. And I'm not going to say total peace, but at least I know that I have at least taken a look at the nice white flag.